THIS IS WHY I SHOULD SHUT UP.

FUCK.

2009-12-13T23:56:26Z

YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND. FRIENDS DON'T KISS EACH OTHER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Shift Gears

2007-07-19T16:22:13Z

So I got a job at Stevens. Dramatic reduction in hours of free time. But it's good for me I guess. I have to do my homework. And I'm really working to make a difference in my lack of productivity, since my mother basically wants to disown me because of it.

I'm somewhat restless. I know exactly why. But the question is...

Paranoia or intuition?

I've asked it loads of times, but to no avail of an answer.

I just don't want to lose people anymore.

The self-fulfilling prophecy.

2007-06-21T10:04:48Z

Perhaps that's why all my relationships go awry during the summer. I fucking make it happen. If it weren't for my paranoia, none of this would have happened. And why do I have this paranoia? Because it happens every fucking year. It's become involuntary. The summer stimuli cause my brain to think of gallons of ice cream eaten on the sofa instead of leaving the house, more crying and talking to myself, and pain in soccer and swimming, which turn into my life because I have nothing else. Every year.

Then I pull a stupid move. And a stupider move after that. My life is a series of stupid moves that have made me...hell, I'm not even a better person. I've been told that I'm a "waste of space," I've been told to see the gynecologist, and I've been called a liar by my mother. All of those things by my mother. I don't even like my father and he suggests I'm a whore. All within this week. Maybe my depression is well-deserved in that sense. Nonetheless, I don't let it get to me. At least not too much.

Words especially. I have one hell of a time with words. Even though I'd like to believe I'm a decent writer, I seem to have quite a problem with words. The most sincere things I say come out wrong. When I'm trying to explain something I get so caught up in myself, it usually comes out wrong. Maybe that's why it looks like I've fucked up so many more times than I should have.

Whatever. No amount of words that I express can convince you otherwise. Call it excuses if you want to. After all, the truth is only the truth as the truth is perceived to be. You see it one way, I was there, I see it another way. I was dancing in a sea of other people. And he grabs onto the nearest person, which happened to be me. You heard him apologize. People told him. In fact, people told him about my arm too. I wouldn't let him get a look. But I'm sure he knows.

It's strange how much misery I was in when I told you how bad I feel that I did it. If I did it the easy way, I wouldn't have told you, and you would have found out by other means, making the matter worse on my part. I told you because I felt it was right. Because I care about you. As retarded as it sounds. It's not like the fucking dance floor can change how I feel about you. Hell, the world can't change it. Your parents can't. My parents can't. Nothing.

I'm at your mercy with these chances. I probably don't even have any. I've screwed up enough for my own taste. I'm surprised you can stand me (and I'm sure you're surprised yourself) at all. Look, I'm sorry. I really am. I can't come up with anything more sincere than that. I love you. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm sorry that everything I say is hard to believe. I'm sorry for being your worst possible first "official" relationship. And if you're ever going to give me a chance, make sure it's not out of pity. The last thing I'd ever want is a relationship half-assed.

Too many papers.

2007-06-20T23:49:01Z

Summer Camp Application
Job Application
Physical Examination
Insurance Waiver (Summer League)

Crap crap crap.

I feel like I have no amount of childhood left in me. This makes me sad.

Does that even make sense?

I'm really tired. Geoscience is really really tiring. As is USH1. I haven't even started studying for that yet...

There's one more day, but there's so much left to do.

Xanga's down. So bear with my bitching for a little bit.

Writer's Block: Who's in your neighborhood

2007-06-19T00:40:32Z

How well do you know your next-door neighbors?

Barely. I often make up stories of their private lives. I know what they look like, their hobbies when it comes to outdoor activities, their pets, their clothing style, their family, but nothing really about them. I guess I'm lucky enough if they recognize me back.

Note to self:

2007-06-18T10:22:35Z

-The best concealers make your skin look perfect, and that's why they never work 100% to hide those unwanted features.

-The best concealers do a hell of a job hiding them, despite the percent of success being below 100%.

-Try to avoid all reasons for needing concealer.

-When you are upset, keep all sharp objects away from the epidermis of the forearms and wrists, it creates a reason for concealer.

-Don't be an idiot.

I like these lyrics.

2007-05-28T02:41:33Z

The Divine Comedy - Note To Self

Monday
Restate my assumptions
Heaven and hell
Do not exist

Tuesday
Restate my assumptions
If you die you do so
At your own risk
Into the heart of darkness
Beyond the point of no return

Wednesday
Restate my assumptions
Beauty is not
The same thing as youth

Thursday
Restate my assumptions
Only one thing beautiful
That's the truth
Into the heart of darkness
Beyond the point of no return
What the fuck is happening?
Where has everybody gone?
What the hell is going on?
There is nothing as frightening as being alone

Friday
Restate my assumptions
The writer writes for himself
Not for you

Saturday
Restate my assumptions
A song is not a song
Until it's listened to

Spoiled brat.

2007-05-27T23:36:57Z

Maybe that's why I always write here with a sour disposition. Something always comes along and bothers me. I let everything bother me. It's pathetic how we (maybe just me) love to bask in the attention, no matter how negative it may be. I should really just stop.

I'm selfish as hell. Always wanting change in my favor. ALWAYS. I'd like to not think of myself for once.

As much as I wish it doesn't have to happen, I need to lose something of great value to smack me in the face so I'd be more inclined to change.

I'm confused.

...

2007-05-26T16:54:11Z

This shit is infuriatin.

I told myself I wouldn't do this..

2007-05-24T22:03:22Z

But being that I lost the only notebook in which I'd be willing to vent to my heart's content, I will vent here.

Aside from losing my keys twice, failing the sit-ups, not running, getting dehydrated at the cemetery, missing my Geoscience test, not getting to Ferris on time, not knowing what number to call to get in touch with Jersey City recreation, screwing up my Phys. Ed. test (fucking tests..), and just losing company competition in general, I'd say I had a good day.

Note the sarcasm.

I don't even know how the hell I'll get that job if I can't even hand in an application on time. I'm offering the worst impression possible at this point. It's probably the messiest employment they've had to deal with, and I'm rather embarrassed by that fact alone.

I'm also upset I let Bravo down. I feel like I tried, but despite the fact I couldn't get up, I wish I had tried harder. We were already one man short. That takes a good more than 100 points away from us. Alpha already has the upper hand in numbers. Then they want to average the scores?! That's just not fair. We worked hard individually, and we should be graded individually, with scores added to a total, the diplomatic way. Sure, Alpha has more people, but at least we could get Samantha to run with us. (She forgot the competition even existed..)

I can't stand how little dedication people have to this. We work so hard, we're already underdogs, and people don't understand how much is on the line. Our motivation to succeed is on the line. Without that motivation, we aren't a company. We're a group of people being forced to accomplish tasks. In JROTC, we are KNOWN for motivation and selfless service. What kind of selfless service or motivation is it if you can't get out of bed in the morning just to do push-ups, sit-ups, and a mile run? None, if you ask me.

I will drill it into the heads of the future Bravo cadets. We have a duty. And I'm not about to let some lazy sleepy-headed unreliable member ruin it for those members that put their soul into this.

I need to chill the fuck out. But my heart (notebook) is lingering in some unknown location, thick with the details of my ailments and discomforts, and anyone could just pick it up, figure it out, and sell that shit to the rest of the world. This is what I've always feared: exposure. I am nothing without my insides (emotions). Unleash my emotions, all that's left is something you've already heard about, an empty husk as a remainder, and a great story to tell.

Things are really really really not going well at all.

Life's pretty good.

2007-05-16T20:29:29Z

Now to make my grades rise somehow by next week. I don't have much faith in myself.

JROTC is eating up my life again. Freshman Orientation, Picnic Committee, Unarmed Exhibition, Raiders, Company Competition.

Aside from that, I have to come up with stickers for Free Hugs day. I also need to work on getting my job application in.

I might start swimming with Stevens again, too. I'm not sure.

I also need to cook for my mom this weekend.

...did I mention that I'm going to Connecticut for my cousin's graduation?

WOO HOO.

At least the lifeguarding classes are over. I just wonder if I'm really ready to take on a part-time job.

I want to curl into a ball and sleep. This summer is going to suck. Summer Camp, Lifeguarding, Soccer, Swimming, and probably drill team practice like last year. The question is... who's commanding Tankos?

Otherwise, I supposed this is the calm before the storm. After this, it's all downhill from here.

BUT

At least you're around. I love you mad mucho. Forreal yo.

Wasting time

2007-05-09T10:11:52Z

So why does it feel like all I'm ever writing here is an intricate re-weaving of what could be said in five words? "I had a bad day" is what it always amounts to. Or "I had a good day." Or "I had an okay day." But why do I always go through the trouble of reliving what happened more than 50 times a day. I might as well just drop it and live it once. Hah, but that wouldn't be me.

This is what happens when I don't write in a while. I need an outlet for these ideas. I want to write a story. Okay, sure, it's fiction, it's somewhat ridiculous to hear my ideas at times, but I don't know. I feel like I'm being stifled. The more I hold back on this, the less comfortable I'll be with myself.

It's kind of like my essay about how writing can affect someone to the point of insanity. There are some things that you feel almost embarrassed to say for being so outrageous, but the more you keep it in, the more it screams in your ears to be let out.

Well, that was pointless.

Here's the five words it amounted to:

I'm going to write again.

Bleh.

2007-05-05T15:22:51Z

I sweat chlorine.
I have mega cramps.
I'm sick.
I have mega cramps.
My hair is dry as hell.
I have mega cramps.

Did I mention I have mega cramps?

I miss you fag. And I can't come up with something as clever about how much I miss you.

SHOOT MEEEEEE.

Hah. I was stupid to think it was gone.

2007-05-03T01:03:01Z

Yeah. That's right. It's back. The fucking little bug that causes me to act irrationally and make poor choices? It's back. Why? I don't know. But it is. It's eating at my brain. Maybe just hearing the mention of trigger words? Whatever it was, it set off a chain reaction in my head, and I don't want it to go any further. I'm losing it.

I mean, I shouldn't be losing it, considering there's nothing wrong with me. But maybe because there's nothing wrong with me I'm losing it? I don't know. Things are all kinds of fucked up in my head.

I even get more sleep than usual. Knocked out by 10:30, and I miss my alarm clock and wake up at 5:45 instead of 5. I should be coasting through this phase, but no, I'm having these anxiety attacks again and again. And with no idea what the catalyst was.

Yeah.. it's all in the head. All in the head.

Soon, I'm going to be liable for the lives of hundreds. I should learn to cope with this bull.

Modifying my life a little.

2007-05-02T01:50:03Z

0500 - Wake up, shower, and get dressed
0600 - Do any homework that I didn't do
0630 - (estimated) Talk to this fag that I'm in love with
0645 - Get off computer to walk Toby
0700 - Leave the house (Raiders)
0730 - Any JROTC stuff...
0835 - School is in session
(lunch)
1505 - School is dismissed
1515 - Time I actually leave the school.
1530 - Beginning of lifeguard class
2030 - End of lifeguard class
2100 - Arrive home & eat
2130 - Talk to that fag again. Maybe for a couple minutes. Then do homework
2330 - Sleep

AND THIS IS ON A GOOD DAY.

If you did the math, that means I'll have 5 and a half hours of sleep daily until this thing is over.

I shouldn't complain considering I live relatively close.

Inspection tomorrow. Bleh.

But ANYWAY, back on topic, notice the bold line in that schedule. I don't care less than a half hour, it's the highlight of my day, and just having that less-than-a-half-hour makes my 18.5-hour day worth the effort. Bad attempt at something cheesy, but eh, it's true.

I miss you.

I don't understand this woman.

2007-04-28T01:47:20Z

It's wrong to be on the computer all the time.
It's wrong to stay at home doing nothing.
It's wrong to stay OUT hanging out with friends.
It's wrong to stay at school late.
It's wrong to go to JROTC practices.
It's wrong to leave so early in the morning.

And it's right to do homework.

It's also right to make your own homework even though you don't have any.

As long as that homework is school-related.

No, you can't plan a rally. Do homework, swim, play soccer, and eat.

I'm sick of the small-talk. I'd rather be told that I'm a disappointing excuse for a human being than to be put on 57349868934 guilt trips that make me feel like the world is going to end.

So many ideas

2007-04-24T10:26:27Z

...so little time.

I'm not going to slack off anymore. I can't let some bullshit called "fatigue" ruin my ability to function as a student.

Okay, let me go spiritual for a second. Ever had that weird idea that all people run on a sort of energy? The energy would be the same energy everyone else gets their energy from, an external force. Ever feel like shit when someone else is basically excelling? And it's usually only a little more than one person. It's not just you that feels like shit, it's the entire class. Yeah. Exactly. Energy hogs.

Just a random idea. I don't really think that way.

I wonder if I'll ever get my grades up.

So like.

2007-04-18T10:34:55Z

I need to shape up.

Yeah.

I don't know what else to say except that.

My thoughts are far more outlined than normal.

Something's wrong with me.

LOL!

2007-04-16T10:39:59Z

NO SCHOOL NIGGA

Must. Breathe.

2007-03-29T23:42:44Z

TEACHERS CRAMMING THE WORK IN.

FUCK.

I need to clean this room.

I miss you so fuckin much.

-shoots self-

Holy smokes.

2007-03-27T02:11:57Z

Scary people.

=[

-hugs pillow-

Telemarketer my ass. No one who wants to sell something would threaten you with your address after calling your daughter a lying punk.

Seriously.

Back to the drawing board.

2007-03-25T23:25:35Z

The piano never exposed my emotions nearly this much.

WOOOOOOOSH.

2007-03-19T04:11:39Z

I love you. [=

Paranoia

2007-03-16T03:17:50Z

It always happens between March and June. Then I get a break in July. August another wave of paranoia. And September, I'm usually so shaken by the paranoia streaks, that I'm completely different from the year before.

It's starting.

Today

2007-03-11T03:25:45Z

-Didn't see 300
-Saw Bridge to T-- Narnia
-Pissed off an Asian man
-Cracked up and got a mozzarella stick stuck in my nose
-Had bitchin cramps (SHUT UP)

And I must admit.

It was awesome.

Haha. You guys are the best.

_______________________________________

Though we missed the sunset, got tapioca on our pants, fought over food (and paying for food), watched a pathetic Disney movie, and evaded my mother,

I don't think I would have wanted it any other way.

Trolls and lava, yo. Stop melting/freezing.

Dork. I love you.